THE PATENTED SWOLE SYSTEM™
Our proprietary rating system measures media quality through the lens of PURE MASCULINE STRENGTH. From SCRAWNY failures to ABSOLUTE UNIT masterpieces, we rate films and TV with the intensity of a max-rep deadlift session.
LATEST REVIEWS
Mad Max: Fury Road
(2015)
An absolute masterpiece of masculine cinema. Non-stop action, minimal dialogue, maximum testosterone. Tom Hardy grunts his way through the wasteland while Charlize Theron proves she can hang with the boys. Every frame is dripping with motor oil and glory. This is what peak performance looks like.
The Expendables 3
(2014)
Look, we get it - you got all the action stars in one room. Cool. But this feels like a bunch of guys who haven't hit the gym in years trying to relive their glory days. The action is there but it's... soft. Like doing curls with 5-pound dumbbells. It's watchable but forgettable.
John Wick
(2014)
Keanu Reeves killing 77 people over a dog? That's the kind of dedication and loyalty we respect. The action choreography is absolutely jacked - every fight scene is a masterclass in controlled violence. The man does his own stunts and it shows. This is cinema at its most muscular.
The Notebook
(2004)
Two hours of people crying and making bad decisions. Where's the action? Where's the backbone? Ryan Gosling could be doing literally anything else with his time. This movie skipped every day at the gym and it shows. Absolute waste of potential.
Breaking Bad
(2008)
Walter White goes from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. That's called GROWTH. That's called putting in the work and getting RESULTS. Five seasons of pure, uncut character development. Bryan Cranston brings the intensity of a man doing max reps on every scene. Absolutely jacked television.
The Office
(2005)
It's solid. Not gonna lie, Michael Scott has some alpha energy, even if it's misguided. Jim's pranks show dedication and planning - respectable. But let's be real, there's a lot of sitting around in this show. Could use more physical activity. Still, it's got heart and that counts for something.
READY TO GET SWOLE?
Join the most masculine community of film and TV critics on the internet.